8:35 - Jon Stewart nails opening monologue, gives writers credit that they clearly deserve.
8:39 - Jon Stewart makes Obama joke. In obligatory cutaway, Wesley Snipes mocks IRS with apparent freedom.
8:50 - First retrospective montage of the night starts funny, degenerates quickly into sappy Celine Dion-fueled crap.
8:54 - Anne Hathaway sucks the humor from the stage and confirms my worst fears for Get Smart movie.
8:58 - Ratatouille expectedly wins Animated Feature award. Brilliant wordsmith Brad Bird unexpectedly botches speech.
9:05 - For 68th year in a row, a bunch of nerds win FX award.
9:10 - Luigi from the Simpsons wins award for art direction.
9:22 - Javier Bardem wins, sounds like he's rallying troops in leftist Central American militia.
9:25 - Mock retrospective montages prove more compelling than real ones.
9:30 - My strategy of picking the silliest sounding title nets me live-action short award on my ballot.
9:35 - Seinfeld delivers intentionally (?) awful jokes as character from Bee Movie. I cry a tear for the Dreamworks animators that probably had to give up a weekend for this crap.
9:40 - Tilda Swinton wins for supporting actress, is replaced by an alien. Oh wait, she's just not wearing makeup.
9:49 - 4-minute-long PriceWaterHouseCoopers commercial fails to educate me about the Oscar voting process.
10:02 - Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen are disappointingly unfunny for first time in their careers.
10:11 - Marion Cotillard wins best actress. A beleaguered Julie Christie contemplates suicide. Oh, also Marion Cotillard is hot. Note to self: rent a movie with her where they don't have to ugly her up.
10:18 - Disney show-stopper totally gets owned by song from "Once".
10:35 - Nicole Kidman pesents honorary award, funds all African civil wars for next ten years with necklace.
10:37 - Robert Boyle montage fails to convince audience that art directors deserve same reverence for senile, rambling speeches as directors do.
10:52 - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova win for best song. Nation of Ireland cries collective tears of joy. I join them.
11:02 - RIP Ingmar Bergman, Michelangelo Antoinini, Heath Ledger. Burn in hell, Jack Valenti.
11:13 - Lesbian movie wins for short documentary. Director totally not a lesbian.
11:23 - Jon Stewart makes joke about Harrison Ford sharing a name with a car dealership. Are the writers on strike again?
11:25 - Juno wins for screenplay. Diablo Cody brings shame to strippers everywhere by accepting award in outfit apparently from straight-to-video Flintstones sequel.
11:35 - Daniel Day-Lewis gets all poetic and shit.
11:44 - Coen Bros win for directing a profoundly bleak, blood-soaked thriller, are adorably gracious and humble.
11:46 - No Country wins best picture. Everything is right in the world. What is Cormac McCarthy so pissed about?
