After seeing Spiderman 3 this weekend and concluding that the $400 million spent on that film could likely have been better spent producing a dozen more straight-to-video American Pie sequels, I have decided that, before I completely turn off that part of my brain that governs reason, rational though, and plot continuity, I would go ahead and review some of the more highly anticipated movies coming out this summer (based on their trailers).
28 Weeks Later
So the franchise has been abandoned by its writer and director. . . and all of the original cast. . . At least it's got the drunk, incoherent guy from Trainspotting in it.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
In order to save the world from. . . something (honestly I never really figured out what the fuck was going on at the end of that second movie), all the Pirates of the world join forces for some sort of international man-on-man lovefest featuring Chow Yun-Fat and Keith Richards' exhumed corpse. Not surprisingly, there's at least an hour of unnecessarily drawn-out swordplay in this one too.
Evan Almighty
Much like the original story of God purging the sins of mankind by killing nearly everyone on Earth in a great flood, this movie looks hilarious.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
If it's anything like the Silver Surfer comic series, I'm not gonna be on near enough drugs to appreciate it. . . or to dull the pain of Jessica Alba delivering lines.
Shrek The Third
As Dreamworks continues to come up with excuses to subject me to another summer of bullshit product tie-ins, the two hours of inane scatological humor and jokes revolving around beloved storybook characters thrust into modern adult situations still remain funny and fresh. . . I'm just fucking with you. I hate these movies.
Live Free or Die Hard
It'll be like the first one where Bruce Willis has to take out an office building full of terrorists despite having shards of glass stuck in his feet, except instead of an office building its a retirement home, and instead of shards of glass he has a respirator and colonostopy bag.
Knocked Up
Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd provide further proof that they are truly the Abbot and Costello of their generation.
Ocean's Thirteen
Though not quite as enjoyable as The 13th Warrior, The Thirteenth Floor, Thirteen Days, Thir13een Ghosts, or Catherine Hardwicke's teen drama Thirteen, this movie continues to prove that Steven Soderbergh knows how to keep his friends gainfully employed.
Hairspray
A movie based on a musical that was originally adapted from a movie. How could it fail?
Ratatouille
What March of the Penguins and Happy Feet did for penguins, this film will do for sewer rats.
Transformers
Michael Bay brings together his passions for television commercials and blowing stuff up in this, the world's most expensive toy advertisement, and Orson Welles is resurrected to reprise his performance as Unicron from the original Transformers movie
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