Blogging The Oscars

8:30 - NPH musical numbers always deliver

8:40 - Joke about Christoph Waltz hunting Jews - cut to Ethan Coen

8:42 - Clooney faking (?) being mad about jokes at his expense

8:50 - Christoph Waltz gives surprisingly earnest speech. Mak

9:08 - Crazy Heart Song wins. Is T Bone Burnett high? Where's Woody Harrelson?

9:20 - Hurt Locker writer gives moving speech that makes me feel bad for rooting for Quentin Tarantino.

9:30 - Is any part of Molly Ringwald's face still organic?

9:40 - John Hughes montage showcases many great films, none of which were ever noninated for Academy Awards. Too little too late.

9:45 - Cadre of John Hughes actors reads like a cautionary tale for how not to age gracefully

9:50 - Ben Stiller presents makeup award dressed in Na'Vi makeup. Funniest thing Ben Stiller has done since Zoolander

9:55 - Is it just me or is the queueing off music weirdly sad?

10:00 - Precious writer might be drunk. . . or on ludes. Either way good job getting him off the stage before he falls over.

10:25 - Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner introduce horror montage. Are they aware that Twilight isn't actually a horror film?

10:32 - Hurt Locker winning sound awards is my Oscar pool Waterloo

10:39 - James Taylor sings Beatles song to death montage. RIP John Hughes, David Carradine, Dom Deluis. Wait, what's MJ doing in this thing?

10:49 - Interpretive dance medley includes pop-and-lock routine to atonal Hurt Locker score.

11:06 - The Cove wins best documentary. In case you're curious, the guy accepting this award IS the Indian guy from Short Circuit.

11:15 - On my 5th bright blue Avatar-themed cocktail. . . and I think I'm pretty much checked out. This thing needs to end soon.

11:32 - The Dude wins. Starting to get the feeling that Jeff Bridges is never actually acting.

11:49 - Sandra Bullock reprises her last night's Razzy award win. Continues to blur line between these two awards.

11:55 - Kathryn Bigelow wins victory for female Hollywood directors everywhere. All three of them.

11:58 - Hurt Locker closes the deal. Now all Avatar has to show for its achievements is its legions of worldwide fans and record-setting grosses.

Pre-Gaming the Oscars

Though I've more or less ignored my blog for the last year, this years Oscars are so ridiculous, I'd be a chump not to write a post on them. From everything I've read about the ceremony, it will be nothing short of the most shameless exercise in least-common-denominator pandering you've ever seen. 2 hosts. 10 Best Picture nominees. Preferential ballots. No lame Melissa Etheridge songs. I'm just shocked they didn't ask Larry the Cable Guy to host.

Of course, with that said, I am mostly (mostly) pretty happy about the nominees and predicted front-runners. So here goes with the prognosticating. . .

Best Picture

Cynical Prediction: Avatar
Idealistic Prediction: Inglourious Basterds

Although The Hurt Locker is probably more likely to upset Avatar in this one, I'm much more entertained by the possibility of Basterds stealing Cameron's thunder, and the preferential ballot system completely leaves open the possibility of something whacky like that happening. Though with that said, you'd have trouble making the argument that Avatar isn't the greatest cinematic achievement in the last decade at least. You know, for whatever that's worth.

Best Director

Cynical Prediction: James Cameron for Avatar
Idealistic Prediction: Kathryn Bigelow for Hurt Locker

At this point a Best Director seems like a inadequate award to give Cameron anymore (he's clearly just holding out for a lifetime achievement award anyway). Might as well give it to someone that'll actually appreciate it. Also this is clearly one of those situations where the award is meant to compensate for earlier achievements that were overlooked.

Best Actor

Cynical Prediction: Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart
Idealistic Prediction: Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart

Speaking of earlier works being overlooked, I enjoy how Jeff Bridges can just play the Dude in a serious film and it's instant Oscar bait.

Best Actress

Cynical Prediction: Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side

Idealistic Prediction: Anybody but Sandra Bullock

I'm still not positive that I didn't accidentally watch a bad lifetime TV movie when I thought I was watching The Blind Side, but the fact that Sandra Bullock is even nominated for this award is proof that women cannot get a fair break in Hollywood. May I remind you that Sandra Bullock also starred in this film last year.

Best Supporting Actor

Cynical Prediction: Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds

Idealistic Prediction: Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds

Not sure how Tarantino made a film about the joys of killing and torturing Nazis with the most likable and entertaining Nazi Jew hunter ever filmed, but I think he owes a pretty serious debt to Waltz.

Best Supporting Actress

Cynical Prediction: Mo'Nique for Preciousbasedonthenovelpushbysapphire
Idealistic Prediction: Mo'Nique for Preciousbasedonthenovelpushbysapphire

If there was a better portrayal of a child-abusing, welfare-scamming deadbeat mom this year, I'd like to see it.

Best Original Screenplay

Cynical Prediction: The Hurt Locker
Idealistic Prediction: Inglourious Basterds

While Hurt Locker is a poignant and ridiculously suspenseful look at the vagaries of modern guerilla warfare, Inglourious Bastards finds a poetic way to kill Hitler in three separate and distinct ways. Advantage Basterds.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Cynical Prediction: Preciousbasedonthenovelpushbysapphire
Idealistic Prediction: Up In the Air

From all the Oscar predictions I've bee reading, it seems like I'm the only person in America that still thinks Up In the Air is as good as it was when I saw it, and the script is damn near pristine. Though to be fair Preciousbasedonthenovelpushbysapphire was a good deal better than I was expecting it to be.

Best Cinematography

Cynical Prediction: Avatar
Idealistic Prediction: Avatar

Avatar stands as the first film I've ever seen to take 3D photography from the level of gimmick to the level of artistry (I mean, how good is the 3D rack focus on the water droplet in the first scene?). Case closed.

Best Editing

Cynical Prediction: The Hurt Locker
Idealistic Prediction: Avatar

Not gonna lie. Hurt Locker is a bit of an editor's wet dream. But the sheer thought of an editor having to pull together anything as staggering as Avatar and tell that story as well as they did is mind-boggling.

Best Art Direction

Cynical Prediction: Nine
Idealistic Prediction: Avatar

I wouldn't be surprised if Nine won this one, just because it's the kind of film where half of the Academy voters probably worked on the film (and frankly this is a movie that doesn't have much else going for it other than the art direction). But Avatar stands as the only film that successfully created a world so immersive that it's literally making kids depressed that they can't live there. Advantage Avatar.

Best Costume Design

Cynical Prediction: Coco Before Chanel
Idealistic Prediction: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Surprisingly I've actually seen the majority of these films. And while I will readily admit that Coco Before Chanel is a damn near perfect film for and about costume design, I'd really just like to see Terry Gilliam get some love one of these days.

Best Original Score

Cynical Prediction: Avatar
Idealistic Prediction: Up

I'm gleefully surprised that Up appears to actually be the front-runner for this one. Though wouldn't be surprised to see Avatar do a full sweep.

Best Song

Cynical Prediction: "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart
Idealistic Prediction: "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart

I hardly thought that this was the best song in the film, but it's definitely the best of the field here. This also makes me disappointed that they're not performing the songs this year. A Jeff Bridges/Colin Ferrel country duet always brightens my evening.

Best Makeup

Cynical Prediction: Star Trek

Idealistic Prediction: Star Trek

It's a pretty weak field this year (since the best makeup work these days seems to be done in computers) but I wouldn't mind seeing Star Trek walk away with something.

Best Sound Mixing

Cynical Prediction: Avatar
Idealistic Prediction: Avatar

Ordinarily these sound awards just seem arbitrary to people without extensive training in audio engineering, but c'mon. . .

Best Sound Editing

Cynical Prediction: Avatar
Idealistic Prediction: Avatar

See above.

Best Animated Film

Cynical Prediction: Up
Idealistic Prediction: Up

Alright. I admit it. Even I am getting bored with Pixar winning this every time. Though until somebody makes anything better, that's just the way it's gotta be.

Best Foreign Language Film

Cynical Prediction: The White Ribbon

Idealistic Prediction: Something not about German guilt and anxiety.

As usual, this field is almost entirely composed of films that I couldn't find a theater to see if I wanted to (and naturally I've seen none of them). But the synopsis of this film reads like a perfect storm of qualifications for a foreign film Oscar,

Best Documentary

Cynical Prediction: The Cove
Idealistic Prediction: One of the ones that was too obscure for me to have seen

I've only seen two of the films nominated in this category, and both essentially amount to cinematic versions of rants you might hear from an unkempt grad student at Phish concert. With that said, The Cove was by far the superior of the two, and actually succeeded in giving me information that I didn't already know and making me feel guilty about having enjoyed Sea World as a child. Advantage Cove.