Karaoke a Go-Go

This past Saturday, while bar-crawling the nonstop frat party that that is the Upper East Side, I managed to stumble into what looked something like a biker dive bar, but for some reason was doing karaoke (which is bizarre for several reasons, not least of which is the fact that karaoke never seems to take place on nights that people would otherwise want to be at a bar). But after seeing too many people try and fail with a machine that's designed to make even the most inept singers into pop stars, I've decided to write this helpful guide to maximize your karaoke experience (grouped by appropriate stereotype).

The MC
Aspires to be. . . Carson Daly.
Your coolness level probably ranks somewhere between a second-rate club DJ and a bad Jethro Tull tribute band. You should probably at least pretend like you're excited to be there just so I won't feel like a complete loser for enjoying myself, but the less exposition you give, the better. And remember that just because you can sing better than anyone else in the bar doesn't mean anyone actually wants to hear you. You're allowed to sing something to kick off the night and maybe if there's nobody else in the bar who wants to sing, but remember that the only thing more pathetic than somebody who thinks that singing into a suped-up VCR at a sparsely populated sports bar on a Tuesday night makes them a rock star is someone who denies them that joy for the sake of petty one-upsmanship. In fact, pretty much your only job is to make sure that the douchebag who sings all Dave Matthews b-sides isn't allowed to go up more than once.
Suggested singing. . . nothing, if you can avoid it.
Avoid. . . anything downbeat.

The Noob
Aspires to be. . . Bill Murray/Scarlett Johanson in Lost In Translation.
After spending most of the night mocking nearly everyone else who's gone up, you've finally achieved the necessary blood-alcohol level to come to the conclusion that you can do better. However, once you actually get the mic in your hand, you realize that there are at least two verses of this song that you're pretty sure you've never heard before in your life. Remember, just because you've heard the song a million times doesn't mean you actually know the lyrics, and don't assume that the monitor is gonna help you out.
Suggested singing. . . Billy Joel.
Avoid. . . Foreigner (seriously, that shit is hard - look up the lyrics to "Hot Blooded" if you don't believe me).

The Venerated Barfly
Aspires to be. . . Dean Martin.
You're probably the only person in the bar that would still be there on a Monday night even if they weren't having karaoke, so somehow you feel like it's your duty as a regular to at least go up and sing one song, and that song might be the same one you sang last week, but nobody seems to care.
Suggested singing. . . Frank Sinatra.
Avoid. . . anything recorded in the last 30 years.

Fat Middle-Aged Man In Hawaiian Shirt
Aspires to be. . . Neil Diamond
Your encyclopedic knowledge of pop lyrics along with a blissful lack of self awareness make you pretty much the ideal karaoke singer, and your unwavering conviction gives you a Meatloaf-esque charm that will overcome any and all shortcomings of your actual singing. Just don't hold back.
Suggested Singing. . . Huey Lewis.
Avoid. . . understatement.

Single White Female
Aspires to be. . . Kelly Clarkson
Like all things in life, karaoke poses an unfair double-standard to women - but really, you girls bring it on yourself. Those that do have genuine vocal talent seem to think I should be impressed by your pitch-perfect rendition of some obscure country ballad that bores me to tears and only serves to remind me of just how sad and pathetic this whole scene really is, and those of you who can't sing seem intent on subjecting the rest of us to your butchering of the shrillest, most high-pitched pop hits of the 80s. Just remember that there are other people in the bar besides that obnoxious little hen party you call your friends.
Suggested singing. . . something by a gay white man.
Avoid. . . anything I haven't heard of.

Black Guy
Aspires to be. . . R. Kelly minus the sexual indiscretion.
Unfortunately I've spent my life watching talented white pop singers getting shamefully upstaged by even more talented black pop singers, so my expectations are perhaps a bit unreasonable, but anything short greatness will be scoffed at. Lest you think this is unfair, just remember that you have the advantage of being able to show off your vocal abilities without anybody assuming you're gay, so why not take advantage of it.
Suggested singing. . . Lionel Richie.
Avoid. . . Marvin Gaye (some of us have girlfriends we'd like to keep)

Black Girl
Aspires to be. . . Lauren Hill
Since the expectations for your performance are pretty much impossibly high, you should probably sit down unless you can sing on par with Patti Labelle (or, at the very least, Chaka Khan). Though, if you can pull it off, there's nothing more I'd rather see than all the annoying white girls in the bar get owned.
Suggested Singing. . . Whitney Houston.
Avoid. . . being too smug about it.