Blogging the Oscars

8:30 - Errol Morris takes a break from his important work for Miller High Life to bring us the opening talking head montage.

8:37 - Ellen shows up in appropriately dykish maroon leisure suite, mentions something about celebrating all nominees, not just winners, in an apparent effort by the Academy to make winning their award even more meaningless.

8:41 - Obligatory cutaway to Jack Nicholson. No hair. Does he have cancer? Still has psychotic grin on his face. I guess he's probably okay.

8:50 - Maggie Gyllenhaal tries to convince me to care about science and technology awards. I take the opportunity to leave the room and get another drink.

8:54 - Will Ferrell and Jack Black musical number is funnier than any movie either of them has done in the past two years. I cry a little inside.

9:00 - Pan's Labyrinth wins for makeup, marking a victory for Mexican comic book geeks everywhere, defeat for Adam Sandler in a fat suit.

9:15 - Greg Kinnear and Steve Carrel ironically mock sound editors for being lame and boring. Sound editors accept award, give lame, boring speech.

9:25 - Alan Arkin beats Eddie Murphy, wins for what was definitely the funniest performance of the year, gives annoyingly self-serious speech, and I'm now losing my Oscar pool very badly.

9:23 - Dove introduces crappy homemade ad campaign, hoping to cash in on the underrepresented demographic of girls that aspire to be fat and dumpy-looking.

9:35 - Melissa Ethridge song sucks, makes me want to pollute something. Tell me again why Prince wasn't up for this award.

9:45 - Cutesy penguin movie wins and I lose all hope of winning the pool. Time for another drink.

9:53 - Departed wins for writing. Myself and my party of ex-film students feel smug sense of self-satisfaction after correcting the announcer who incorrectly refers to Infernal Affairs as a "Japanese" film. (Haha. . . it's from Hong Kong. . . stupid!)

10:15 - Children of Men loses award for cinematography. I don't even know why I'm still keeping tabs on this pool.

10:20 - Robert Downey Jr. makes a joke about his drug problem. The audience is noticably uncomfortable.

10:33 - I'm really itching to make fun of this silhouetted dance thing, but this Snakes On a Plane bit is just too good.

10:36 - Jennifer Hudson wins. Beyonce pretends to be happy for her, gives best performance of her career.

10:48 - Al Gore loses presidency on a technicality, wins award statuette.

10:50 - Ennio Morricone is honored with a lifetime achievement award, then disgraced by a performance of his music by a watered-down Canadian pop singer. Again, why was Prince not available?

11:07 - The writers of the show run out of steam and refer to Hugh Jackman as the "Volverine".

11:15 - Little Miss Sunshine wins for original screenplay. Eat it Babel.

11:24 - Beyoncee almost gives herself a coronary trying to outsing Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls medley.

11:30 - Crappy Melissa Etheridge song wins. This is bullshit.

11:38 - Michael Mann uses his years of experience directing action movies to put together a montage sequence on American history that's just as macho and angry as his films.

11:45 - Bruno Kirby, Don Knotts, Robert Altman, Scotty - RIP.

11:50 - Helen Mirren's rack accepts award for the Queen (note to self - add Caligula to Netflix queue).

12:00 - Pogues song in Cadillac ad doesn't make me want to buy an Escalade, does make me want a beer.

12:10 - Scorsese wins. The crowd goes wild. Cubs prepare for World Series victory.

12:14 - Diane Keaton pops three vallium before coming out to present best picture, makes the bald Jack Nicholson look stable and together.

12:15 - The Departed wins and I momentarily have faith in humanity.